2006-06-13 – Journaling – How do I want to be liked?
Hey there me, how are you?
I’m at lunch. It’s nice because I decided to stay on campus and do a little journaling. So now I’m listening to John Maxwell’s Influencer 2 training, and drinking a lovely Cherry XS.
On my way over here, I thought that it’d be nice to do another Letter to Helen, like I did last night. It was a nice way to get my feelings out, and though I’m not sure that she’ll ever read them, it’s neat to see me being honest with myself and my own struggles.
Journaling
May 30, 2006
Wow. So, things can change on you all of s sudden. I’m 25 and five months, and Helen is under the impression that she might be pregnant. Holy smokes. What a wakeup call.
I don’t know what to think at the moment. Bill gave the suggestion that I would be wise to look at how my father was to see if there are any correlations between myself and his actions. From the little I know and can pull together, I’m his spitting image.
I seek validation from women (he had two children, 6 weeks apart.) I am mechanically and analytically inclined (he was a mechanic for many years.)
Journaling
April 3, 2006
“Why not me?” she asks.
Well, why not?
Helen has been a great friend and girlfriend, and many people would be lucky to have a chance with a girl like her. And if that’s the case, why is it that I’m not willing to take on the responsibilities of being hers?
She feeds me constantly, provides massage nearly every day, and is willing to engage in sex whenever I’m interested. If guys only knew how good I have it, they’d be fools to not want the same thing.
So, if that’s the case, why is it that I’m considering dating Heather?
Journaling
Monday, March 27, 2006
Where to start?
It’s been a while since I’ve stopped in to write an entry in my trusty journal. I was doing so good at the beginning of the year, though they were somewhat short, generally. It’s now late March, and I’m realizing that checking in from time to time would be valuable.
The initiator, more than checking in, of course, is women related. I’m 25, and on the whole, I enjoy life, but I still feel a lacking presence from time to time. Recently (within the past month or so) there has been a fondness developed with Heather Beaudette. She’s fun, smart, and good looking. We’ve talked about what a relationship might mean to one another, but there hasn’t been anything decided, and perhaps that’s where my confusion lies. We have indeed done some significant “making out”. Fun, yes. Fulfilling? No, not quite.
This last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I happened to spend a fair amount of time with Heather. Thursday night after Yoga, we went out to dinner, and then I took her home. Friday, after work, we spent some time at Ultimate before I saw her in a knockout gown, headed for the UAS Spring Fling thing. (And boy did I wish at that point that I had gone with!) Saturday, we bonded first before work at 1, after 5 for a couple hours, and then again from dinner time until around 3:30 in the morning. Sunday morning we were together again doing homework. What a marathon weekend.
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about beginning with the end in mind. Perhaps that’s the step that I’m skipping here, and may be allowing whatever this is to develop faster than might be reasonable. So, smarty-pants, what does that “end” look like?
It’s a relationship of best friendshitp. It’s a relationship of value, and responsibility & commitment. It’s a relationships of love. I see social activities as a strong component of the relationship, and to a much lesser extent, it is less focused on physical fulfillment. It’s a relationship where sharing experiences is fostered and where we can learn from eachother. I see trading massages, and laughing lots. Cooking together and holding hands nearly every day. I envision growth. It will be a relationship that study, and encouragement to be better people abounds. It’s a haven from the intensities of the world: not a hiding place nor a dumping place, but a recharging place.
So that, of course, will solicit inquiry from Helen: “So why not me?” Why not? Hmm… Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been straightforward for much of our relationship, and the guilt that I feel for being distracted by other women is very real. I initially indicated that I was interested in breaking up so that I could learn some things about myself, and that I have. I don’t like the guilt associated with holding information back, whether I’m at fault, or just nervous of how it will be taken.
So what do I do about all this? Do I continue with Heather, kissing and spending time getting closer and closer? We both know that hormones are raging, and it seems relatively easy to take it to a place where we bring sex into the relationship. Do I want to go there?
Well, actually, no. I like the sensation of sex, and at times the connectedness that it offers, but I usually find in my reflection of past actions that it creates expectations. And with expectations (spoken or not), I may not be in a place to maintain them. The possibility of pregnancy is very real. And frankly, I’ve been a lucky man so far. Testing my luck seems downright ludicrous.
Why Heather & why now?
Do I want to date and be a committed boyfriend that is thoughtful and considerate? Do I think I can hold up that end of a bargain? Do I know what she’s looking for in a relationship? Can I provide those things?
What is God’s will for my life? Well, I know that he wants me to be obedient. When I think of that question, I think of my business and how it can radically change my current and future life. It enables me to bless others and to create a legacy.
July 15, 2004
Yep, it’s been another long delay since my last entry.
I’m sitting at the waffle shop right now, after just spending a nice evening of taking some photos out the road near tee harbor, as well as at the shrine.
Something sits heavy on my heart right now, though I can’t precisely identify what it is. While at the shrine I went to “The Gap” there I had a moment of prayer that was essentially me asking for help with cleaning up my life and fixing my heart. More and more I recognize that I am able to make fiends and be close, and then using that ability, get closer to someone than I really need to be. Just since Helen and I have broken up, Heidi, Heather, Helen… yeah, I need to figure things out.
I feel somewhat negligent towards my business right now, and that lends it’s own source of guilt, my relationships with women lend to feeling guilty, there is so much that I feel guilty about. I would love to release that, to feel free from any burden, to feel that people aren’t judging of my actions. Perhaps it’s my heart and desires that have to change, perhaps its my actions. How do I get out of my present situation?
June 30, 2004
Yikes, it’s been a while since I last posted.
Yup, Helen and I are still broken up.
Breadloaf is on campus, so that means lots of hikes (I have 3 planned this weekend).
Heather Eastaugh and I got a bit closer than I would have liked to (we kissed) after an evening of chatting. My feeling is that she’s been through lots of trauma, and though I suppose I’m willing to be a friend, I don’t want to wind up dating someone with those kinds of challenges (sexual/physical/emotional abuse.)
Helen and I need to figure out how to be apart. She’s looking for support from me, though I can’t really offer it because we’re supposed to be broken up. There’s still a middle ground available somewhere I hope. I guess it could all be resolved with a “I just can’t see you any longer, let’s take a break” talk…
I just had my Festiva’s muffler fixed yesterday. It’s all nice and quiet now. I like it.
That’s all I really have for the moment. I’ll try to do these more often.
June 9, 2004
Actually, I just experienced the 8th. It’s 1 am right now.
I just got back from Bill & Sharon’s place – we watched a movie called ‘Dickie Roberts – child star’ or something like that with David Spade.
I think the thing that I wanted to write about was my experiences with my father or lack thereof. At the end of the movie, Paxton started fussing in his room, and Bill went and got him. In the few minutes before I left, I got a glimpse of something distinct that I missed out on in life – Fatherly Love. Bill just held Paxton on his chest and hugged and joked with him (“Paxton, guess what?” “Wha” “I love you.”) I never have experienced that kind of love from a man. My father was a complete absentee father. I recall the memories I had of him.
The first I think was when I was youngest, though I don’t know my actual age. I recall sitting with him at my desk where the firewood would later be stored, and feeling really strange because I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t know if that was right – him being a guy and all… I don’t recall how it turned out, but the confusion of not knowing what was okay is something that I still sometimes wonder about.
The second memory was a brief visit that my dad took to come to Juneau to pick up his tools – he was over at his friends house at 17 mile. I don’t recall much, but I remember that I got to go see him there. It still makes me wonder why that was the meeting location, and why it was so brief.
The third was while he was passing through town on the ferry. He only had a little while, so I think I was able to spend something like 45 minutes with him. He had this ratty Xerox paper box with stuff in it. While sitting there chatting with him and trying to think of significant things to say in less than an hour, I remember seeing a little matchbox car mixed in. It was already well used – the little antenna on the top, and the two guns off of either side of the hood were all bent. It looked kinda like a shorter heurst, though more sporty. I don’t know what it was supposed to be, but it was a toy, and he gave it to me (after I asked to have it).
The final memory was of a phone call. It was likely around 8:30, because I recall my mom getting the call, and then allowing me to chat, though I was supposed to be in bed. After a few minutes on the phone, she prompted me to get off to go to bed. I’d bet that the bed thing was a scapegoat because if I remember correctly, later on, my mother informed me that he had been drinking and she didn’t want me on the phone with him while he was in that state.
Four brief glimpses, four indelible experiences. That and some tools are all I have of a father.
I wonder sometimes how I am supposed to learn to be a great dad when I had no example. I wonder how I’m to be in a relationship when my father didn’t know the first thing about strength. I wonder how to make choices that are right and strong, when, again, I never had that example.
Well, time will tell, and personal development will have to suffice – observation, reading, listening, etc. Best of luck to me. G’night.
June 6, 2004 (cont.)
Alright, so since I’m doing this at 6 in the evening, I suppose it’s more of a June 6, 2004 than the previous entry.
First things first
Watched my little brother graduate today. That was interesting. Bruce Bothello was the speaker (he’s presently the Juneau Mayor). I got to see lots of people that I haven’t seen in quite some time. Nico Bus, Salena Kasler, Robert Ridgeway, and more. Then I went to eat with my mother, Shane, Dawn, and her daughter & daughter’s boyfriend. We ate at the salmon bake which was nice. It’s really nice out right now.
Sleep Log
I woke up at 8:30 to my alarm, and then promptly fell back asleep. I think I got out of bed at around 10ish.
Humor
Today during graduation, while the conferring of degrees was taking place, someone threw out a couple of beach balls into the crowd. I thought it was sorta funny, but I guess the lady who came in to take them away didn’t.
Struggle
Trying to figure out what I want to do with the relationship I have with Helen. On one hand, she’s a great person, on the other, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a committed relationship. I guess I should have thought of that years ago, huh? I think I need to grow up, or get something out of my system, or something… I don’t know how to explain it at this point.
Beauty
At the Salmon Bake today, my mother had found out that one of the girls working there had graduated the same year as myself. I was thrown into a conversation with her which was nice, but at the same time slightly strange. It seems that she was looking for some sort of adult interaction, as though she didn’t get much of it at times… Which might be the case – she’s got a 1 year old at home. Anyhow, the beautiful thing is meeting new people, and making them feel special. She has a gorgeous smile, and when I told her such, she lit up.
Kindness
I guess it falls back to the meeting new people. In addition to Cara at the Salmon Bake, I met Kay Anderson who is a sophomore at UAF – studying Spanish. She’s here over the summer working, but is originally from Oregon. It was nice to chat with her.
Goals for the evening
Go work on the garage. Possibly go for a walk out Kowee Creek or somewhere like that. Put together an order. Figure out details within my finances. That’s about it.
June 3, 2004
Wow. Time flies. So it’s 12:32 in the morning, and I thought I’d do some thinking before I went to sleep this evening. Helen and I are having ‘relationship troubles’ and I’m trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation. I went over to spend a little bit of time with her this evening since she was really frustrated about things last night, so we chatted a bit, and then read out of a new book about heaven and what it might be like, then I asked her if she’d go down on me – as a joke – but she said yes… What a tangled web we weave. I left from her place (she’s housesitting in the valley) and went to Bill & Sharon to chat about where I’m thinking of heading with this relationship.
I’m inclined to call it done. The thing about it though is that I need to know what I’m doing it for. I need to have goals that I am aiming for that this choice will facilitate. For instance, if I am looking to become a stronger man, I need to develop some way of tracking the things that I have done towards accomplishing that item.
I think my present goals of ending the relationship would be to alleviate the challenges that I run into with communicating with Helen… I find that I am a much more logic driven individual while she likes to chat about her emotions, feelings and responses. Not a whole lot of fun when the hackles come out to protect/defend your own position.
On one hand, I think it’d be nice to be able to have friendships with other girls. It seems very restricting to only have Helen – due to her jealous nature. Although that being said, I do kinda like her liking me. Yeah, but I don’t like the guilt and the inability to have friendships with other girls…
I think the ultimate factor is that I need to get good at being strong, and being myself… I am using women to justify/please something about myself, and I need to discover and overcome that. Perhaps it is related to my spiritual side and I would like to find God, perhaps it is something less extreme, but either way, if I continue in the relationship, my strength wanes and my commitment doesn’t increase.
This is a life-changing direction. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this for a few more days.
Time for bed – and prayer to help figure this out.
So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.
I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.
Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.
We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.
I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.
— she came back—
hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…
She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.
What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?
I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.
I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.
How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.
Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.
Alright, I’m going to bed now.
3/25/04
Hmm… The strangeness of being me…
So here it is theree days before Family Reunion. Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.
Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.
I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen. I don’t know that she is the one though. I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers? What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.
It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship. I wonder why that is. I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete. Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.
And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that? What am I looking for? What the heck do I think I will find.
The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself? If I say that I do, do my actions back it up? Does my girlfriend desire to change herself? Do I facilitate that situation? So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.
I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen. She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community. I’m not even in the aquatic field! I work with computers! Grr.
So I’ve punched away and come up with a couple pages of comments. It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.
I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.
Good night,
-Cody Bennett