Journaling
Monday, March 27, 2006

Where to start?

It’s been a while since I’ve stopped in to write an entry in my trusty journal. I was doing so good at the beginning of the year, though they were somewhat short, generally. It’s now late March, and I’m realizing that checking in from time to time would be valuable.

The initiator, more than checking in, of course, is women related. I’m 25, and on the whole, I enjoy life, but I still feel a lacking presence from time to time. Recently (within the past month or so) there has been a fondness developed with Heather Beaudette. She’s fun, smart, and good looking. We’ve talked about what a relationship might mean to one another, but there hasn’t been anything decided, and perhaps that’s where my confusion lies. We have indeed done some significant “making out”. Fun, yes. Fulfilling? No, not quite.

This last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I happened to spend a fair amount of time with Heather. Thursday night after Yoga, we went out to dinner, and then I took her home. Friday, after work, we spent some time at Ultimate before I saw her in a knockout gown, headed for the UAS Spring Fling thing. (And boy did I wish at that point that I had gone with!) Saturday, we bonded first before work at 1, after 5 for a couple hours, and then again from dinner time until around 3:30 in the morning. Sunday morning we were together again doing homework. What a marathon weekend.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about beginning with the end in mind. Perhaps that’s the step that I’m skipping here, and may be allowing whatever this is to develop faster than might be reasonable. So, smarty-pants, what does that “end” look like?

It’s a relationship of best friendshitp. It’s a relationship of value, and responsibility & commitment. It’s a relationships of love. I see social activities as a strong component of the relationship, and to a much lesser extent, it is less focused on physical fulfillment. It’s a relationship where sharing experiences is fostered and where we can learn from eachother. I see trading massages, and laughing lots. Cooking together and holding hands nearly every day. I envision growth. It will be a relationship that study, and encouragement to be better people abounds. It’s a haven from the intensities of the world: not a hiding place nor a dumping place, but a recharging place.

So that, of course, will solicit inquiry from Helen: “So why not me?” Why not? Hmm… Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been straightforward for much of our relationship, and the guilt that I feel for being distracted by other women is very real. I initially indicated that I was interested in breaking up so that I could learn some things about myself, and that I have. I don’t like the guilt associated with holding information back, whether I’m at fault, or just nervous of how it will be taken.

So what do I do about all this? Do I continue with Heather, kissing and spending time getting closer and closer? We both know that hormones are raging, and it seems relatively easy to take it to a place where we bring sex into the relationship. Do I want to go there?

Well, actually, no. I like the sensation of sex, and at times the connectedness that it offers, but I usually find in my reflection of past actions that it creates expectations. And with expectations (spoken or not), I may not be in a place to maintain them. The possibility of pregnancy is very real. And frankly, I’ve been a lucky man so far. Testing my luck seems downright ludicrous.

Why Heather & why now?

Do I want to date and be a committed boyfriend that is thoughtful and considerate? Do I think I can hold up that end of a bargain? Do I know what she’s looking for in a relationship? Can I provide those things?

What is God’s will for my life? Well, I know that he wants me to be obedient. When I think of that question, I think of my business and how it can radically change my current and future life. It enables me to bless others and to create a legacy.

Today was a good day. Slept in a bit, then got up, did a little reading, listened to my tape, went to tutor Eileen, saw my brother, and then came out to my house for a nap. When I woke up, I remembered that Jim & Cathy were coming back tomorrow, so I thought it be worthwhile to head out to their cabin to check on things and make sure all was in order.

Earlier, while listening to Ron Puryear’s Crown Tips, I made the important realization that it would be much more valuable to get a different interaction with my tape listening. At this point, I’m not sure if it would be better to try to transcribe everything, or how I might be able to take more heed to the content of the CD, but it’s certainly something to put some thought towards.

In The Richest Man in Babylon, the chapter gave some basic suggestions for how to decrease debt. It’s broken down like this:

• 10% to savings

• 70% to living/rent/pleasantries of life

• 20% to debt

There were some things that I noticed from this:

• At no point was it suggested that you ever have 90% towards lifestyle – I’m not sure what’s to happen if you get that taken care of like I have. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to invest 30% towards savings. Sometime, I’ll do the math to find out what the implications of that would be on my current budget.

• The scale was percentage driven – it wasn’t about how much you made. AKA: if you have $100 or $1,000,000, you should be doing the same.

Traveling Light had a chapter about loneliness. It suggested that perhaps loneliness is not such a bad thing after all – in fact, it could be good that God is preparing you for something more. For example, you might never listen to classical if you always had your rock to distract and turn to. Perhaps the lonly time is intended to bring you into communication with Him! One thing to think about: if you’re hungry and go to the store, that’s an unwise decision – you’ll buy and take more (even those unhealthy things) than you’ll need. If you’re spiritually hungry, you may choose things that aren’t wholesome, just because you think it might fill the void. Here’s a passage from the book on the subject:

“When you know God loves you, you won’t be desperate for the love of others. You’ll no longer be a hungry shopper at the market. Have you ever gone to the grocery store on an empty stomach? You’re a sitting duck. You buy everything you don’t need. Doesn’t matter if it is good for you – you just want to fill your tummy. When you’re lonely, you do the same in life, pulling stuff off the shelf, not because you need it, but because you are hungry for love.”

What Makes God Smile was the chapter title in The Purpose Driven Life. The chapter uses the example of Noah, and his obedience to illustrate many points. It’s with good reason too; think of the implications of what God was asking:

• Noah is asked to build a HUGE ship – in the middle of a land locked area.

• It had NEVER rained upon the earth – he didn’t even know what rain was!

• Building the ship took 120 YEARS – how much patience do you have?

And he did all that was requested of him, exactly, and completely. Wow.

There are 5 acts of worship that makes God smile:

God smiles when we love him supremely. Noah loved God, even when it was unpopular – so much that no one else did. God longs for us to love him back, much like parents might of their rebellious child.

God smiles when we trust him completely. “By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land.” He acted immediately, and as a result, Noah became intimate with God. There were three problems (Never seen the rain, Lived hundreds of miles from the ocean, and difficulty of rounding up the animals) that Noah could have clinged to, but he didn’t; he obeyed.

God smiles when we obey him wholeheartedly. “Delayed obedience is really disobedience.” “God doesn’t owe you an explanation or reason for everything he asks you to do. Understanding can wait, but obedience can’t. Instant obedience will teach you more about God than a lifetime of Bible discussions. In fact, you will never understand some commands until you obey them first. Obedience unlocks understanding.”

God smiles when we praise and thank him continually. We are to praise god for who He is, and we thank God for what he has done.

God smiles when we use our abilities. We were endowed with certain gifts; things that are only for us, and that only we can maximize. You only bring God enjoyment by being you. Every act of enjoyment can become an act of worship when you thank God for it.

I recognize that I am a long way from being a ‘Spiritual Giant’ or one of God’s Warriors, but some day I’ll get there. And for now, I can just remember that He loves and enjoys me at every stage of my spiritual development. What God looks at is the attitude of my heart.: Is pleasing Him my deepest Desire?

When you live in light of eternity, your focus changes from ” how much pleasure am I getting out of life?” to “How much pleasure is God getting out of my life?” Will you make pleasing God the goal of your life? There is nothing that God won’t do for the person totally absorbed with this goal.

In Genesis 21-22, Isaac (Abraham & Sarah’s son) was born, and as he was matured, and had a place in the family, God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son on the altar. And Abraham carried out God’s wishes. Fortunately, he was stopped before Isaac was killed. I can’t imagine what this would be like; to be directed to kill one of your family members. To have that burden on your heart for hours before hand. He knew the night before, and all during the hike up the mountain to make the sacrafice. But the thing that stands out most (to me) is that Abraham was willing to do it. I feel that I would fight it, question it, and delay it – anything to keep it from happening. Abraham didn’t.

In Matthew 9, Jesus continues with sharing His message, by healing and teaching. It seems that his message is that he wants the person’s heart and will to be in the right place, and from there, he will bless them. It’s not enough to follow the Law. At this point, I haven’t seen an answer to the question of what the results of desiring to follow his will, yet not acting it or following the Law. My guess is that if you really desired to follow God, you would find a way to get over the vices.

This morning I chose not to awake early enough to listen to the tape of the morning. Last night I had watched Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle until 2 AM. It was a good movie, but for all its exciting content, I was less than pleased at the provocative content and attire of the three attractive main characters. I suppose that’s a lesson to be learned.

Instead of tape listening, I went downstairs and had breakfast quietly while I read from Traveling Light. I found this chapter to have great benefit, but lesser application. It was a chapter about the burden of Grief that comes with mourning a passing loved one. There were some points that I highlighted from the chapter, but as I don’t have the book in front of me, I’ll post them later.

Today, during work, I spent some time to create another space, specifically for work. It felt great to break away to spend important development time on content that I can specifically think about work for. I’ve set up the space at: http://spaces.msn.com/members/workincody/

At lunch, I read from The Richest Man in Babylon. It was an extremely short parable chapter explaining the scene of a strong attack against the walls of Babylon, and the city’s defense. We likewise cannot afford to be without adequate protection. This rings to me in different realms.

• Finances – the chapter’s intended context speaks to having insurance, savings, and dependable investments to be protected in the case of an unexpected tragedy.

• Emotionally – Seek out those who will assist in protecting you from non-productive thoughts. Don’t seek to spend time associating with those who are less developed in that realm, because it will wear off.

• Spiritually – Prayer makes a huge difference. Keeping your mind soaked in readings that will support your spiritual thinking helps to protect as well. Reading scripture. Rebuking attacts from the evil one is also sometimes imperitive.

• Physically – Having some sort of accountability can be useful. Go to the gym with a friend. Schedule your visits as to not miss them from lack of focused thought. Perhaps protection can mean keeping your gaurd up against ailments or physical harm – it may mean taking vitamins, or it could mean lifting weights to facilitate your defense, should the need arive.

Genesis 16-18 outlined more information about Abram. In verse 16, we are told the story of how Sarai, in her frustration gave her slave to Abram to have a son. That was a lame idea, because it only generated feelings of jealousy and malcontent. Eventually she beat her slave and drove her (Hagar) away. Fortunately for all, the Lord met Hagar in the desert, and bade her to return.

Next, in verse 17, the Lord committed to Abram that he would be the father of many nations, and with the new name Abraham, it was granted to him. As part of the process, he was circumsized along with all the men of his household. This was to signify the everlasting covenant that God had promised.

Verse 18 was about the precursors leading up to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. The 3 men (the lord?) who were to destroy Sodom & Gomorrah came to spend time with Abraham before continuing their journey of destruction. Abraham was a good servant, and was consoled that the city wouldn’t be destroyed if there were but 10 men that were good.

Matthew 7 contains more lessons of Jesus. There are some great scriptures in this brief chapter:

• “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Be liberal in your praise and reluctant in your condemnation. Heck, be liberal in everything!

• “For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

• “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

I listened to the Wolgamott Rally tonight. I picked up an item from each spouse: from Leslie, I recognize that it’s worthwhile to have the mission in mind even during the seemingly mundane task, and from Brad, I realize that the greatest fear in life, is not so much of dying, but of dying without living.

The Purpose Driven Life emphasized God’s purpose for us – to glorify Him. “The ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God.” All sin, at it’s root is failing to give God glory.. To bring Glory to god, you can do everything that He directs you to do in your life – fulfill your purpose! “When anything in creation fulfills its purpose, it brings glory to God.”

God’s 5 purposes for my life (to bring glory to god):

Through worship of him – God wants our worship to be motivated by love, thanksgiving, and delight, not duty. Worship is far more than praising, singing, and praying to God. Worship is a lifestyle of enjoying God, loving him, and giving ourselves to be used for his purposes.

By loving other believers

By becoming like Christ – Spiritual maturity is becoming like Jesus in the way we think, feel and act. (Remember that Jesus wasn’t a passive, weak man, he was a man of great strength and resolve when the situation called for it.

By serving others with our gifts

By telling others about him – God expects us to share his truth with others. That in itself is a great privledge, helping them to find their purpose, and preparing them for their own eternal destiny.

Living your life for the glory of God will REQUIRE a change in your priorities, your schedule, your relationships, and everything else. “Will you live for your own goals, comfort, and pleasure, or will you live the rest of your life for God’s glory, knowing that he has promised eternal rewards?

Sometimes, you’ll be influenced to doubt; to wonder if you have the strength to live for God. Don’t worry. God will give you what you need if you will just make the choice to live for him.

Verse to remember: “For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory.” Romans 11:36

Question to ponder: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God’s glory?

Listened to a tape this morning to wake up to, but it wasn’t that effective since I didn’t get out of bed for it. I’m inclined to listen to it again this evening while doing other things. Note: I relistened to the Kosage & Nelson’s FED ’02 this evening. I like the simplicity and attitude that Dean brings to the table. Theron takes time to help explain the silliness of the separation of church and state and the exclusion of godly materials and principles.

Genesis 13-15 was more about Abram and his relations, including Lot, his nephew, and God. In verse 13, Lot and Abram were travelling together, and their groups/families/possessions got to be so large, that they decided to split up. Lot went to Jordan. In verse 14, Abram had to save Lot from the Kings that took over the area and folks possessions. verse 15 talks about the promises that God made to Abram concerning his lineage, even though, at that point, Sarai had been barren. It goes to show that God can make dreams come true, even despite all odds.

Matthew 6 was more teaching from Jesus. He taught how to give, pray, fast, worry and deal with money. I gather that the core message is to remain humble about it – don’t do it so that others can see you. Do it because you know that God sees you and you want to please him.

The Richest Man in Babylon had a neat chapter outlining the actual advice of someone who just received a windfall. The advice was sage, and isolated many things to be cautious of in the process of posessing new money.

It sounds like not many people ask for suggestions, and that’s likely the case, even today. Most people think they know what they’re doing, but they are in debt, operating off of credit or loans, and yet they still make projections about what good stewardship of money might be like.

The character giving the financial advice used a parable which made a lot of sense. He talked of an ox and an ass who were talking one day, the ox wanted a break, so the ass provided a way – just to lay down and act sick. The farmer came upon this, found the ox sick, and proceeded to yoke the ass for the days work. The moral of the story was simply, “If you desire to help thy friend, do it in a way that will not bring thy friend’s burdens upon thyself.”

If you are to loan to someone, the sage counselor pointed out that the goal of your loaning is to be certain of the return of your investment. Understand the weakness of men to be swayed by grand ideas of what they could make, if only they had gold – in reality, they had inexperience, and no mechanism whereby they could confirm the repayment of the loan.

The two goals from the chapter for the new money man: 1) keep his gold safe; and 2) that it earn more gold. The chapter closes with the wise phrase, “Better a little caution than a great regret.”

Traveling Light‘s chapter was about the burden of death, and that there is no need to fear as outlined in the 23’rd psalm:

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4 NKJV)

It’s a reminder of the frailty of life, and the promises that Jesus and God made to us about our end. Jesus made the promise to come back to take us home.
“The wise remember the brevity of life.” “…The best way to face life is to be honest about death.” I found it interesting that I haven’t really given death that much direct thought previously. I could die anytime. Really. Tomorrow on the slippery roads, a car could come out of nowhere to collide with me to my death, or perhaps (and more desireably) I slip quietly to my death decades from now after fulfilling much of my purpose for this life; where I can be somewhere with the best friends and family of my life.

The Purpose Driven Life also had a chapter talking about the frailties of life; about how we’re better off recognizing that this life is a temporary existance. We are but brief visitors to another land, and that soon (in the eyes of God,) we’ll be going home. The chapter points out the natural, but sometimes unnoticed truth: You will never feel compelety satisfied on earth, because you were made for more! Further, realizing that life on earth is just a temporary assignment should radically alter your values. In considering the closing “thoughts to ponder” section, it asks the same thing. My answer? Investing time & energy towards eternal things more; such as a tighter relationship to my Heavenly Father and deeper scripture study.

I liked the closing sentence of the chapter: “At death you won’t leave home – you’ll go home.”

Verse to remember: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV)

Day 2 of the year down, or at least mostly. Last night I watched the final movie of LOTR trilogy – all 250 MINUTES OF IT! John and Mariah stayed up to kiss and flirt and talk even after my 3:40 bed time. And then of course, this morning, John and I had a talk about the whole relationship world – it’s tough when you have hormones AND common sense – sometimes they really conflict.

Lets see, Helen called me silly, mostly because she caught me with my pants down while she was dropping off laundry for me. I must admit that I feel silly about being so prone to such carnal desires.

I met with Eileen today and made another $65 tutoring. It started out with about 40 minutes of chatting about her recent preformance review. It’s nice to be able to reach a deeper level with her. I had intended to ask her if she was interested in attending Dreamnight, but chickened out so I feel a bit weak there.

Next went to see my brother at the Mental Health Unit (MHU). Every time I see him, it’s strange because I just don’t match him any longer, and he’s still drawn onto the blood connection. I don’t know how much of him is him, and how much is the drugs, and how much might be whatever medical condition he’s working with. This evening he revealed that he stole a jacket from the Nugget Outfitter, so I let him know of my perspective, and then left – mostly because I didn’t have a lot to say to him, other than that I disagreed with his choice to steal, and that it was illegal, and I hoped that he would make amends at some point.

Next, came home to get a bite to eat, and then run to the post office to mail off the Return of the King that someone had bought from me over ebay – my paypal account is getting nicely round. I’ll be getting a Digital Camera in no time flat.

Last night before going to bed, I picked up The Richest Man in Babylon as it was a suggested reading a while back – it’s about finances and the laws surrounding them. I read another chapter this morning.

This evening I read another chapter from Travelling Light about reducing worry in our lives. The core point that I picked up on was that God will support us when the time comes because he leads us (example of the father handling the details and distributing tickets at the appointed time, not too late, not too early).

I also read Genesis 3-5 and Matthew 2. Gen 3-5 talk about Eve being deceived and then God talking with them about that. It left off by leading the lineage into Noah’s time. Matt 2 was about Jesus’s birth and the 3 wise men coming to greet him, and then Herod (the king of the area) wanting to have Jesus killed.

Lastly I read the 2nd chapter/day of the Purpose Driven Life. It’s core subject was that I am not an accident, and that God has created me for His purpose.

Verse to remember: “I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.”

Well, it is January first and today has been a good one. Last night I went to bed early (3:00 am) so that I could get up this morning and do some serious thinking on my mission & values. It was a good time.

I followed the PlanPlus tools through the process of creating a mission statement and a mission journey and a value statement, and then went to brunch at Mi Casa to look over my notes and have some quiet time eating food. It turned out that I was easily distracted from my efforts because of the next booth’s comments. It seemed that two older women were talking about the implications of alcohol in youth today, and not in a “that’s not so good” perspective either – they were talking about how their alcohol habits had been strong, but they were able to stay out of bad situations like date rape, and that girls these days (as well as boys) to some extent are at fault for the challenges that they both endure. It was interesting to overhear.

After brunch, I came back home to find that someone had purchased the WMP-11 (wireless equipt.) through ebay, so I got that packaged and dropped in the mail, stopped by Tommy’s to give him his gift of Wild at Heart and The Dream Giver, and then came home for a nap. After the nap, I listened to Brad Duncan’s Leadership talk while looking through dream photo cutouts in my binders.

Next, onto reading.

I plan to read the entirety of the bible this year, so I’ll be making notes as I go. Today’s reading will be Gen 1-2, & Matthew 1.

Also, I read Chapter 5 of Travelling Light – it talked about getting rest as part of life to be more productive.

Finally, I read the first (of 40) day/chapter of The Purpose Driven Life. It talked about how my purpose is not so much mine, as it is God’s, bestowed to me. He has already created it, and it is up to me to have it revealed to me, and then to apply it.

Verse to remember: “Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b (Msg)

Chapter 1: The Lens Principle

1. If asked to write a statement describing human nature and people in general, what would you say? Would you describe your philosophy as optimistic, skeptical, tentative, detached, etc.? What does your personal philosophy concerning others say about you?

I feel that on the whole, people are good. They desire to be good, do right, and achieve higher levels in their world. I feel that no man is a complete work; he is always growing and changing through his experiences, and that if chosen wisely, he can accomplish anything. My perspective is optimistic almost to a fault because I can tend to push people to new levels without receiving agreement from the individual that they want to go there. My philosophy indicates that I feel that I can become anything I desire with the right input. I feel that I am in my core, a good person – even though I sometimes struggle with my choices.

2. Would you describe your attitude as generally positive or negative? Do you see your attitude as an asset or a liability? What could you do to improve your attitude?

Generally, I see my attitude as positive. I choose to look for the positive traits to an experience or circumstance, and frequently can find them. As such, I find my attitude to be an asset. With the positive outlook, people enjoy my company, and I am subsequently offered an opportunity to help change their view about the event. A way that I could improve my outlook is to be more consistent with my enthusiasm (I feel that enthusiasm is part of an attitude.) If I were to do so, I would find myself gravitating towards my desired results more quickly than without the consistency.

3. Think back to your childhood. What experiences have especially marked you as an individual? Did they inspire you to trust or mistrust people? How has that outlook colored your relationships as an adult? If it has negatively affected your relationships, what positive experiences can you pursue to create a new, more positive history?

There are several experiences that have colored my perspective towards others. Growing up with the World Wide Dream Builders training organization has exposed me to resources to identify successful characteristics that I might pursue to accomplish my goals. I recall the Tom Miller Seminar teaching me to be not so critical of my perspective of an event with someone, but to slow down and consider options of interpretation. These things have positively affected my outlook of people, and continue to do so.

4. Do you agree with the statement that the difference between who you are today and who you will be in five years will be the people you spend time with and the books you read? What other factors do you believe to be equally (or more) important?

I do believe that to a very large extent. Input creates thoughts, thoughts create words, which in turn creates action, which leads to habit, character and destiny. Changing your input changes your output. Another important element that I would add is that a person must choose to change their input. As Neo says in the Matrix, the problem is choice.

5. Think about the personal qualities you would like to cultivate. List them. Now create a plan for growth to develop those qualities. First dedicate time on your calendar with people who possess the qualities you desire. Second select a book a month to read to help you grow.

Boundless enthusiasm. Strong self awareness. Immense self love. Intense self discipline. Bulldog-like consistency.

People that can elevate these things for me: Sahar Gorbanpour, Tina Rice, Lisa Miles, Barbara Hyde, Paul Kraft, Michael Ciri, Bill Wildes, & Bill Peters.

Books that can assist in the improvement of these traits: Enthusiasm Makes A Difference, Created for Excellence, The Go-Getter, Self-Love, & University of Success.

July 15, 2004

Yep, it’s been another long delay since my last entry.

I’m sitting at the waffle shop right now, after just spending a nice evening of taking some photos out the road near tee harbor, as well as at the shrine.

Something sits heavy on my heart right now, though I can’t precisely identify what it is. While at the shrine I went to “The Gap” there I had a moment of prayer that was essentially me asking for help with cleaning up my life and fixing my heart. More and more I recognize that I am able to make fiends and be close, and then using that ability, get closer to someone than I really need to be. Just since Helen and I have broken up, Heidi, Heather, Helen… yeah, I need to figure things out.

I feel somewhat negligent towards my business right now, and that lends it’s own source of guilt, my relationships with women lend to feeling guilty, there is so much that I feel guilty about. I would love to release that, to feel free from any burden, to feel that people aren’t judging of my actions. Perhaps it’s my heart and desires that have to change, perhaps its my actions. How do I get out of my present situation?

Introduction

This book was written with a 40 day reading format – 40 chapters to move through and to learn from. Much like the 40 day trial period used throughout scripture.

Recognize the value of interacting with the material, rather than simply glossing over an issue.

Concerning the ‘Verse to Remember’ sections at the end of each chapter: “If you really want to improve your life, memorizing Scripture may be the most important habit you can begin.”

Be sure to write your answers to the questions in the margin – feel free to make comments. It personalizes your reading, and helps you with retention. If you have the ability to share it with others, by all means, do!

I have committed to reading a chapter a day for the next 40 days. I will finish the program and get a better sense for the purpose that God has for my life!

Section 1 – What on Earth Am I Here For?

Day 1 – It All Starts with God

My purpose is not really mine at all – it is Gods purpose for my life. It has been conceived of before I came into existence, and is independent of my will or desire. Take note that whenever hunting for a passion or purpose based on my desires, I discover more confusion than clarity.

“You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense.”

“Being successful and fulfilling your life’s purpose are not at all the same issue!”

“The Bible says, ‘Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.” (Matt 16:25)

“You didn’t create youself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for! If I handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldn’t know it’s purpose, and the invention itself wouldn’t be able to tell you either. Only the creator or the owner’s manual could reveal its purpose.”

“Fortunately, there is an alternative to speculation about the meaning and purpose of life. It’s revelation. We can turn to what God has revealed about life in his Word. The easiest way to discover the purpose of an invention is to ask the creator of it. The same is true for discovering your life’s purpose: Ask God.
God has not left us in the dark to wonder and guess. He has clearly revealed his five purposes for our lives through the Bible.”

“The Bible says, “It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.” (Eph 1:1)

That verse shows us the following:

1. You discover your identity and purpose through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

2. God was thinking of you long before you every thought about him. His purpose for your life predates your conception. He planned it before you existed, without your input! You may choose your career, your spouse, and many other things, but you don’t get to choose your purpose. [it’s revealed to you!]

3. The purpose of your life fits into a much larger, cosmic purpose that God has designed for eternity.

Verse to Remember: “Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b (msg)

Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself? (A: Stay close to scripture and prayer, and good mental input. Might be good to develop visual reminders.)

Day 2 – You Are Not an Accident

“God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose your race, the color of your skin, you hair, and every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way He wanted it. He also determined the naturally talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality.” My thought: Sweet! So what would He like to have me do with this set of attributes?

“Because God made you for a reason, he also decided when” and where and into what situation I would live in. He even decided the duration of my life. And get this – the IMPACT of my life! He specifically chose my parents, and my purpose to accomplish His will.

“There is a God who made you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning! We discover that meaning and purpose only when we make God the reference point of our lives.”

Verse to remember: “I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.” Isiah 44:2 (cev)

Question to Consider: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept? (A: Potentially my fathers death, the dysfunction of my family that I have learned from…)

Day 3 – What Drives Your Life?

June 9, 2004

Actually, I just experienced the 8th. It’s 1 am right now.

I just got back from Bill & Sharon’s place – we watched a movie called ‘Dickie Roberts – child star’ or something like that with David Spade.

I think the thing that I wanted to write about was my experiences with my father or lack thereof. At the end of the movie, Paxton started fussing in his room, and Bill went and got him. In the few minutes before I left, I got a glimpse of something distinct that I missed out on in life – Fatherly Love. Bill just held Paxton on his chest and hugged and joked with him (“Paxton, guess what?” “Wha” “I love you.”) I never have experienced that kind of love from a man. My father was a complete absentee father. I recall the memories I had of him.

The first I think was when I was youngest, though I don’t know my actual age. I recall sitting with him at my desk where the firewood would later be stored, and feeling really strange because I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t know if that was right – him being a guy and all… I don’t recall how it turned out, but the confusion of not knowing what was okay is something that I still sometimes wonder about.

The second memory was a brief visit that my dad took to come to Juneau to pick up his tools – he was over at his friends house at 17 mile. I don’t recall much, but I remember that I got to go see him there. It still makes me wonder why that was the meeting location, and why it was so brief.

The third was while he was passing through town on the ferry. He only had a little while, so I think I was able to spend something like 45 minutes with him. He had this ratty Xerox paper box with stuff in it. While sitting there chatting with him and trying to think of significant things to say in less than an hour, I remember seeing a little matchbox car mixed in. It was already well used – the little antenna on the top, and the two guns off of either side of the hood were all bent. It looked kinda like a shorter heurst, though more sporty. I don’t know what it was supposed to be, but it was a toy, and he gave it to me (after I asked to have it).

The final memory was of a phone call. It was likely around 8:30, because I recall my mom getting the call, and then allowing me to chat, though I was supposed to be in bed. After a few minutes on the phone, she prompted me to get off to go to bed. I’d bet that the bed thing was a scapegoat because if I remember correctly, later on, my mother informed me that he had been drinking and she didn’t want me on the phone with him while he was in that state.

Four brief glimpses, four indelible experiences. That and some tools are all I have of a father.

I wonder sometimes how I am supposed to learn to be a great dad when I had no example. I wonder how I’m to be in a relationship when my father didn’t know the first thing about strength. I wonder how to make choices that are right and strong, when, again, I never had that example.

Well, time will tell, and personal development will have to suffice – observation, reading, listening, etc. Best of luck to me. G’night.

June 6, 2004 (cont.)

Alright, so since I’m doing this at 6 in the evening, I suppose it’s more of a June 6, 2004 than the previous entry.

First things first

Watched my little brother graduate today. That was interesting. Bruce Bothello was the speaker (he’s presently the Juneau Mayor). I got to see lots of people that I haven’t seen in quite some time. Nico Bus, Salena Kasler, Robert Ridgeway, and more. Then I went to eat with my mother, Shane, Dawn, and her daughter & daughter’s boyfriend. We ate at the salmon bake which was nice. It’s really nice out right now.

Sleep Log

I woke up at 8:30 to my alarm, and then promptly fell back asleep. I think I got out of bed at around 10ish.

Humor

Today during graduation, while the conferring of degrees was taking place, someone threw out a couple of beach balls into the crowd. I thought it was sorta funny, but I guess the lady who came in to take them away didn’t.

Struggle

Trying to figure out what I want to do with the relationship I have with Helen. On one hand, she’s a great person, on the other, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a committed relationship. I guess I should have thought of that years ago, huh? I think I need to grow up, or get something out of my system, or something… I don’t know how to explain it at this point.

Beauty

At the Salmon Bake today, my mother had found out that one of the girls working there had graduated the same year as myself. I was thrown into a conversation with her which was nice, but at the same time slightly strange. It seems that she was looking for some sort of adult interaction, as though she didn’t get much of it at times… Which might be the case – she’s got a 1 year old at home. Anyhow, the beautiful thing is meeting new people, and making them feel special. She has a gorgeous smile, and when I told her such, she lit up.

Kindness

I guess it falls back to the meeting new people. In addition to Cara at the Salmon Bake, I met Kay Anderson who is a sophomore at UAF – studying Spanish. She’s here over the summer working, but is originally from Oregon. It was nice to chat with her.

Goals for the evening

Go work on the garage. Possibly go for a walk out Kowee Creek or somewhere like that. Put together an order. Figure out details within my finances. That’s about it.